#7 The grass is always greener... until it isn't

A hair journey full of obsessions, experiments, and the realization that inspiration photos can’t make me someone I’m not

This is going to be a rambling post about hair — specifically, my personal feelings about it — because the topic has been consuming my thoughts lately. Without a signature look to fall back on, I often find myself overthinking and experimenting with “new” things.

Around October of last year, the TikTok algorithm introduced me to a cute, young Asian girl’s hair vlog. She shared her experience with her digital perm and how much she loved it. I watched the video multiple times. For a few weeks later, I went back to the app, looked up her profile, and found the video again. I checked out the salon she went to (prices: $$$$). I stalked her hairstylist’s Instagram to see all the other hair transformations she’d done. I even scoured Reddit for people’s experiences with digital perms. To say I was in research-obsessive mode is an understatement. Before the perm idea had brainwashed me, I had already been researching coloring my hair, so I was committed to a change either way. I ultimately decided to book an appointment at the referenced salon in early November.

Now, I’m not new to digital perms. I’ve had two in the past, circa 2018 and 2019, but only with short hair. My relationship with them was… complicated (a typical love-hate situation). On one hand, I loved the convenience: I could air-dry my hair, and voilà — effortless texture that looked like I’d put in some effort. On the other hand, the shape was often tough. My thick, coarse Asian hair would take on the dreaded “triangle” look: poofy, frizzy, and far from flattering on my petite stature.

But because so much time had passed, I conveniently forgot about the downsides. Since I’d been patiently growing out my hair since May 2023, I figured the perm would look dramatically different on longer hair. I imagined messy, perfectly textured waves and finally banishing my Dyson Airwrap (which, let’s be honest, I never quite figured out how to use).

Short of bleaching it, my hairstyles have run the full gamut over the years.

Armed with curated inspiration photos from the internet, I went into my 4+ hour appointment ready for transformation. Trusting a stranger with your hair does require a bit of blind faith, and at one point mid-process, I started to wonder if I was making a huge mistake. The stylist showed me some additional photo options, but they all leaned too far into the “pageant-like” blown-out curls territory—everything I didn’t want. I said an assertive “no” and hoped for the best.

When the appointment was over, I walked out of the salon feeling... ambivalent. The curls did look like some of my inspiration photos, but why didn’t I love them on me? And shit, was I already missing my straight hair? The grass is always greener, as they say.

Over the past few months, I’ve had a slow forming epiphany (is that an oxymoron?). When I save hair inspiration photos or get drawn to TikToks like that girl’s, I’m not just admiring their hair. I’m captivated by the whole package: their face/makeup, their clothing, their bone structure — heck, maybe even their body type, and how the hair looks on them. It was delusional of me to think that having their exact haircut and style would somehow make me look like them (i.e., a 23-year-old with perfect skin, hair, and cheekbones). And let’s not forget the fact that half the “hair inspo” I save on Pinterest might not even be real — hello, AI-generated models.

So while I did like the permed hair itself, I didn’t love it on me. Sheesh. Good thing it was cheap and temporary. (Sarcasm. I mean, the word “perm” literally comes from “permanent.”)

I decided I’d live with it. I mean, this is a ridiculous first world problem, after all. When the curls behaved (roughly half the time), I liked them! Love-hate relationships are my specialty, apparently. Someone, please show me this post if I ever contemplate getting another perm six years from now.

But then, of course, the TikTok algorithm got me again. The same girl who got the digital perm? She posted about getting her hair straightened less than two months later. Seriously!? She said the curls were starting to fade, and she was tired of them. Embarrassing as it is to admit how much influence she had on me, I immediately started Googling whether you can chemically straighten permed hair and how damaging it might be.

The internet assured me it’s possible, ideally after a minimum of 8 weeks. So, naturally, I booked another appointment — for a straightening and a cut. I know what you’re thinking: “Alice, what the hell are you doing?!” I have had the same thought many times. At least this time I’m going to someone I’ve trusted with my hair before and who understands where my hair has been. And it will have been 10 weeks after the perm, just to be a little extra cautious. Now, the big question: Should I keep my hair long and straight, or chop it all off and go back to a bob? Depending on how much damage my hair has taken, I might not even have a choice. Either way, check back after Tuesday to see if this was yet another terrible decision 😅. One thing’s for sure — I won’t be relying on unrealistic inspiration photos to determine the outcome.

Hair is such a personal and emotional thing, and this whole process has reminded me that no external change — no matter how masterfully executed — can reshape how I feel about myself on the inside. My hair journey has unearthed some deeper truths about my self-image and esteem, and I’ve realized just how easily I fall into the trap of thinking the grass is always greener. When my hair is short, I envy those with flowing locks. When it’s long, I obsess over short-hair inspiration.

For now, I’ll chalk these months of obsessive thoughts and impulsive decisions up to a learning experience (and maybe a bit of a cautionary tale). More importantly, I’ll try to remember that the best version of me isn’t defined by the perfect wave or the sleekest bob but by how I feel about myself, regardless of how I look in the mirror.